Baseball Player or Bar Food?

We live and work in St. Louis, which means that we’re particularly fond of beer and baseball. We love October, and we can regularly be found after-hours gathered in a sports bar enjoying beverages and pub grub and rooting for the Cardinals.

Game One of the 2013 World Series is Wednesday, and we’re already dreaming of celebrating a Cardinals victory, but we’re also dreaming of all the good pub food and drink we’ll enjoy in the process. Because of all the amazing options in St. Louis, we’re very spoiled, but we’re also very picky—we expect nothing less than a gastronomic dinger (or at least a ground-rule double) when we venture out.

In fact, St. Louis does food and drink and sport so well, it’s hard to find anything to complain about. So we don’t. Instead, we raise the (sports) bar: we hereby challenge the local establishments to more seamlessly integrate baseball into their menus. More specifically, we want to see a menu using nothing but names of retired Major League Baseball players.

Because we’re sports fans and food and beverage lovers ourselves, we’ll throw out the ceremonial first pitch. What follows is our sample menu (with notes) of bar food and drinks named after historic MLB players (dates played in parentheses):

Food

Starters

Oyster Burns (1884-95): Simple deep-fried oysters, elevated for no good reason with a panko crust

Buck Marrow (1932-38): Bone marrow from parts unknown that tastes better than it looks; affectionately referred to by locals as “skeleton butter”

Soups

Chuck Churn (1957-59): Everything you love about chili and a hearty stew but with no resemblance to (or ingredients from) either; you continue to order but don’t know why

Irish Meusel (1914-27): Medicinal, beige, and piping hot; the perfect hangover prep

Salads

Herb Cobb (1929): A traditional cobb salad, but herbier

Ham Patterson (1909): Unheralded bowl of lettuce and ham; the closer-turned-middle-reliever of salads

Sandwiches

Ham Hyatt (1909-18): Just a ham sandwich, really, but open-faced (to cut on costs and look fancy, like a fancy hotel sandwich)

Big Jeff Pfeffer (1905-11): A massive stack of a sammy, filled with shaved pfatback, strips of pflatiron and pflank steak, crumbled pfeta, one pfried egg, and pfresh fparsley

Extras

Pretzels Getzein (1884-92): Made-to-order and seasonal, these challah pretzels go fast, so get ‘em while the Getzein’s good

Squiz Pillion (1915): Don’t ever order this

House Specialities (because the extra “i” in “specialities” makes them taste better)

Sweetbread Bailey (1919-21): Because you wouldn’t eat half an order of “glands”

Snapper Kennedy (1902): A classic fish dish, but a bit more catholic and presidential

Coot Veal (1958-63): Slightly chewy with a bit of rancor, a result of sourcing only old, cranky young cattle who grew up too fast

Drink

Draught (yes, “ugh” instead of “f”)

Urban Shocker (1916-28): IPA with a hint of redevelopment

Dutch Zwilling (1910-16): A frighteningly pale lager

Dutch Stryker (1924-26): Like Dutch Zwilling, but with self-esteem issues

Mother Watson (1887): A supremely comforting stout

Phenomenal Smith (1884-91): Gluten-free double-dark ale, so, let’s be honest, not very phenomenal

Stubby Magner (1911): A bloviating porter, best consumed with a cigar

Boom-Boom Beck (1924-25): A German pilsner with a 12.1% ABV, just because

Showboat Fisher (1923-32): A Trappist ale waiting to break free

By the Bottle

Icehouse Wilson (1934): Beered-up water, sold only by the trough

Cactus Keck (1922-23): Half beer, half citrus, half the reason you love your uncle

Non-Alcoholic

Flame Delhi (1912): It’s just chai tea in a glass puff-painted with flames

Peaches Graham (1902-12): A virgin peach lambic with crackery bits floating around

Mixed Drinks

Rebel Oakes (1909-15): Bourbon and water best drunk on the log stumps in the corner

Salty Parker (1936): A savory martini for those embarrassed to order a Bloody Mary

Baby Ortiz (1944): Rum, soda, lime juice, sugar; good for designated hitters (not for designated drivers)

Icicle Reeder (1884): A single ice cube dipped in vodka, to be chewed on during stressful innings

Cannonball Titcomb (1986-90): Irish whiskey shot inside a wine cooler inside a tall cup of spiked Kool-Aid—ohh, yeaaah

Dixie Upright (1953): A mint julep served by a fine, tax-paying fella

Dizzy Nutter (1919): Vodka-infused Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups floating in vodka

Jack Fimple (1983-87): Scotch on the rocks with a dash of Midwestern gumption

Wine

Glenallen Hill (1989-01): Please don’t order wine during a baseball game